At one time or another just about everyone has rolled their eyes at a home remedy. Sure, some of them really work, but I can’t help but think that there must have been quite a few failures before backyard scientists really nailed down which cures are safe and effective. As proof, here are 9 of the most disgusting, weird, and dangerous home remedies ever created.

 

Opium and Belladonna Tampons

remedies1Menstrual cramps and period pain are no fun, but a recently-revealed ancient cure for the condition might be even worse. According to a report on the website Atlas Obscura, one common cure for cramps was opium and belladonna tampons. Apparently the opium would cure the pain associated with periods, while the belladonna — a mildly toxic herb — relaxed the uterine muscles. If you’ve ever desperately chugged Midol and vodka cranberry, you probably have a pretty good idea of what the effects of an opium tampon would be.

Powdered Toad for Asthma

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Nothing clears up congested lungs like a little bit of powdered toad — at least that’s what practitioners of Eastern medicine would have you believe. This ancient remedy is supposed to dry up chest congestion and mucus, but it’s more likely that it just gives the user horrible toad breath. While living with asthma certainly isn’t any fun, chowing down on dried up toads is no way to cope.

Jam Orange Peel Up Your Nose to Cure a Cold

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Body aches, runny nose, coughing and sneezing — we’ve all dealt with cold symptoms. But surely there must be a better way to beat a spring cold than shoving orange peels up your nose. Although this ancient remedy is miles ahead of eating dried toad, it still sounds unpleasant at best. Thankfully today you can get the same results with some vaporub, and you don’t even have to stick it up your nose.

Stick Ear Wax in Your Eye to Cure Floaties

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We’ve all had eye floaters — those little bits of dust or debris that float along in our field of view. And sure, they’re annoying. But do you really want to smear earwax in your eye? Probably not, but nothing stops ancient doctors from developing the most disgusting cures imaginable. The best way to deal with these mild annoyances is probably to simply ignore them.

Put Toast on Your Head to Cure Quinsy

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Sure, quinsy is a big problem. Who among us hasn’t had to deal with an outbreak getting in the way of our fun? Well, nobody, really. Still, quinsy apparently used to be a major concern, but there’s an easy solution. All you need to do is get yourself some nice, dry toast, and tie it to the top of your head. Although it’s a little itchy, and nothing messes up your hairstyle like bread-head, it’s a surefire way to cure a condition that absolutely nobody has had to deal with in ages.

Cow Dung and Cumin to Cure Farts

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Okay, I know this is an uncomfortable subject. We all get the farts. Sometimes it’s something you ate, or the fallout from a night of heavy drinking, or whatever. The why isn’t important. What you should be focused on is the fact that the cure for them — according to ancient Ayurvedic medicine — is a poultice of cow dung and cumin. That’s right, in order to avoid stinking up a room you should wrap yourself in cow dung and one of the smelliest spices around. Honestly, just excuse yourself and rip one in the bathroom.

Grilled Cheese to Heal a Cut

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Everyone’s favorite accompaniment to tomato soup is also a great way to heal cuts, apparently. According to some sources, a toasted cheese sandwich plastered against a wound will help to prevent infection and speed up the healing process. While it seems ridiculous at first glance, consider this: If you’re not bleeding too badly, you can also have a snack after you’re better. Win-win.

Drizzle Pee In Your Ear to Cure an Earache

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Nope. No. This one is too gross to even write about. I know everyone doesn’t have great health insurance, but just go see a doctor and avoid a majorly disgusting case of stink-ear.

Chocolate-Covered Garlic to Prevent Memory Loss

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You’d be hard-pressed to find two foods that more people love than garlic and chocolate. But the combination? No thanks. In the early 1900’s this was a popular preventative cure, though. I can only imagine it worked by shocking the user out of their mental fog through the sheer disgusting taste. Although garlic and chocolate do both have health benefits, there’s nothing wrong with splitting them up into two delicious courses rather than one chocolate-coated monstrosity.